I have to preface this post with a health warning – I am pissed off. In the extreme. If you’re in good form I’d highly recommend that you stop reading now.

I am at the complete and total mercy of my emotions today and it’s making me crazy. The last week has gone so well, and I was bound to have an off day but I’m still disappointed and frustrated by it. I knew as soon as I woke up this morning that something had changed – I felt different. I can’t explain or describe how, but there was a filter on that’s been mercifully absent this last few days. I had a rotten night’s sleep which definitely didn’t help – I was having a really unsettling dream which kept waking me up, but every time I fell back asleep I went straight back into it. I lost count of how many times that happened. Today I was dizzy, had brain zaps, was jumpy, nauseous, and in general just off. Not depressed, but not good. Just off (clearly my powers of description have abandoned me this evening). I’ve been trying so hard to keep everything calm for myself. No big plans, no major expectations. Walks, quiet(ish) time with the kids, etc etc. All the things I’m supposed to do. Yet still here we are.

But now I’m in a quandary. Do I feel like this because the medication has left my system enough to allow depression back in, or do I feel like this because my system is adjusting to the lack of medication and will right itself again with time? Problem? No one fucking knows. No one. Next quandary – will my psychiatrist allow me to stay off meds long enough to determine whether I do in fact still need them, or will she insist I take the next one straight away so I don’t experience ‘discontinuation syndrome’? And if that’s the case, how will I ever know how I am, or when to come off them? Chicken and egg in the extreme.

Where to next??

I feel very out of control right now. I have all this emotion swirling around inside me, and I want to run/scream/sleep/hide all at the same time, but I don’t know which way to go so I’m stuck. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is genuine, or medically induced. I don’t know if it will pass in a few days if I ride it out, or if it is in fact the start of a big nasty mess. I spoke about it (extremely grudgingly I might add) with Hubby this evening. Understandably, he’s stressed. If I decide to take a break before starting the next med, he’ll back me. But, I know he’ll be watching me like a hawk, and he’s already told me that if he sees or considers me to be slipping, he will sit me down and tell me I need to start back on medication. I’d like to think we won’t need to be having that conversation. I’d like to think that in a couple of weeks, this wretched chemical will be flushed out of me, and I’ll be managing on my own. Still with Therapist, still walking, still taking the mood stabiliser. But no more anti depressants. I have no faith in them, unsurprisingly, as for the most part they have done shit all for me apart from give me extremely uncomfortable and occasionally distressing physical side effects.

So there you have. Tapering day 11 has been bloody hard work. Here’s hoping tomorrow brings something brighter for me. Any and all words of wisdom from anyone who’s read this far would be much appreciated.

This article has 9 Comments

  1. Thinking of you Fi. We have hurricanes outside the house and you have one inside your head 🙁 Sending love and hugs x x Trí

  2. Hi Fiona, am so sorry you are experiencing what you are going through. Dont know if this will help, but I was on Solpadol for 12 years and took myself off 2 years ago and experienced a lot of what you are currently going through, brain zaps in particular (I called them Brain crunches at the time) also jumpiness, restlessness in the extreme, no peace in my heart at all. Eventually, all abated and I know now that it was withdrawal (though I did not know for sure at the time). Be gentle with yourself Fiona. My mother always said to us growing up whether we were sad, happy, heartbroken…. This will pass, it is just a phase. At the time I did not appreciate how true it is. But everything passes and I hope this passes swiftly for you. You know you can trust your husband and you can also trust yourself (though you might find it hard to believe at the moment). Ultimately Fiona I am sending you positive thoughts. Every day you are getting further and further away from the meds that you have no faith in. You are no alone in your journey. Good luck am rooting for you.

    1. Thank you so much Mary. Every time I hear that someone else has experienced some form of withdrawal, it gives me hope that anything I may feel over the next week or two will be fleeting and ultimately not indicative of a bigger problem. Today I begin life without antidepressants, for the first time in over 18 months (not a long time to be on them I know, but a long time to be resisting them!). I'm hopeful. I have a lot of good support, and am much, much stronger in myself than I was this time last year. And you're right -everything passes!! I need to get that tattooed to my hand so I don't forget 😉

  3. I know you can't tell one from the other, what is real and what is medication. You've come a long way already without these pills and as you say, the way forward is not uphill only. Don't give up just now, don't let this one off day rip you apart. It's 'only' one messy day so far. If you can 'divide and control', thinking that there's a fair chance you'll wake up tomorrow in another mood (like yesterday), .. there'll be more messy days, as long as they are not too close to one another… It is not like you're walking the cord without a safety net…

    1. Thanks Roeland. I've had so much support, from friends, family, my counsellor, on here, and most recently from my GP in agreeing to let me go without anti d that it gives me hope that things will be different this time.It was only one day. Yesterday was better, a lot better. I managed to take my kids into town during the mid term (manic at the best of times), had a couple of almost tantrums to deal with and did just fine. It mightn't sound like much but for me that's huge. I know it won't be plain sailing all the time but some of the time is good!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *