I’m not long home from my first group session with the Eden Programme. I have quite literally got no idea how I feel, other than discombobulated in the extreme. I wasn’t anxious when I woke up, although I did get a bit nervous on the way in. I’m not good with groups, I never know where to put myself or what to say, and the fact that I didn’t really know what to expect wasn’t helping. I spent a considerable portion of the morning hiding behind my scarf (not literally, but when it’s around my neck or I can hold it over my mouth I feel protected in some way). Overall it went ok though, and I think it will be helpful. I just can’t quite fathom why I feel so uneasy right now.

It’s a change. I’m never good with change, so there’s that. It’s also something new, and something that could prove to be quite challenging. I think it’s after reminding me how much I miss Therapist, still. How I felt going in, and for quite a while through the morning, is very much how I used to feel going in to see her. But this time I didn’t have her there to set me at ease, and it seems to have hammered home again the reality that she’s gone. I would love to speak to her right now, to tell her I’ve started the group, how it felt to be there. I’d love to talk through this confusion with her.

Yup, that’s exactly what it is. This morning took the lid off a box I hadn’t realised I’d so effectively closed, and all the hurt is right there where I left it. It’s every bit as unbearable as I remember. I need to stop crying and go walk my dogs before I get completely caught up in this.


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