That’s me today. Demon. Antichrist. Thundering bitch. Cannot keep my cool and I’m so frustrated. Monday was challenging, found it tough going with the kids who were tired, overheated and bickering constantly, and had to fairly seriously lay down some ground rules that had been forgotten (again. Again). Then yesterday was just lovely. We had a lot of fun, a friend I haven’t seen in months called out for a while in the afternoon and the kids were in flying form. I felt great – relaxed, in control, connected with the kids.

Today? Monday all over again. Everything I suggest is met by a whine from either/both kids, and I just do not have the patience today to keep calm. I rarely shout at them because shouting only ever makes me worse, never mind them, but I roared at them this morning, and sent them to their rooms. I’ve never done that before, I don’t particularly agree with banishing them as punishment. M was really upset, D didn’t know what to do. But I felt like I had to get some distance between the three of us before I properly snapped, so I guess at the time it was probably the best decision.

So, while they were upstairs, poor Hubby got an earful. He made many sensible suggestions, all of which I dismissed outright (sorry hon, I appreciate the effort, I really do). I was too angry to listen, and on the verge of hitting myself to break it. That hasn’t happened for a while. Once off the phone I realised that I’m the adult in the house, and it was up to me to calm things down. How can I teach the kids to control their emotions if I can’t control my own? Decision made. They were going to get to watch a movie so I could do some yoga (which has been woefully neglected for weeks now and no doubt contributing to my current state of mind). We hugged, I apologised, explained why I was angry, and what we were going to do – they could watch a movie to help them relax, and I’d do my yoga to make me feel better.

All good. Shrek is on. Went to log into yoga to find subscription has expired and there’s nothing I can do about it till next week. Thankfully, I managed not to lose my shit entirely. You are now bearing the brunt of it by reading this insane rant, and I’m sorry for that, but I had to do something to regroup. Since I don’t have my yoga, this is the next best option. Possibly more so.

I woke up feeling shitty today after really unsettling dreams. I knew before I even got out of bed my form was off. I tried to ignore it but clearly that didn’t work out. I tried to work through it without really giving myself the time I needed (not fair on the kids blah blah blah). Not a runner either. So, perhaps inevitably, I reached the point where I had no choice but to take a back step or twenty and work hard to calm myself down.

This has helped. I’m going to go and take another look at that sub and see if I can push it through today. I’m going to take A LOT of deep breaths. This time with the kids is short, incredibly precious, but also extremely full on. Ignoring my need for time alone helps no one.

This article has 4 Comments

  1. Ouch. Sounds bad. And kind of familiar. I once, a long time ago, found myself shouting "just go to sleep" at a toddler. And then part of my brain recognised just how counterproductive that was, but I couldn't really think of a better strategy, we were all so tired and said toddler was fighting a nap that was so badly needed for everyone. At times like that I often think "how can I expect a child to "just" do the right thing when I can't manage it myself". And sometimes that pulls me out and sometimes it doesn't.
    If/when you're in a mood for some ideas which might work some of the time: A change of scene – be it room/go outside/whatever often helps. Sometimes when the kids are really winding each other up and don't seem to want help (dismissing/ignoring proposed solutions) I have occasionally separated them – one to play downstairs, one upstairs, swap after 5 minutes (as one option is always perceived as worse). If they don't like proposed solutions to a dispute asking them for a better idea can help. And singing, singing my requests to them, the sillier the voice the better, can help – it calms me down if not them (very hard to take yourself seriously when singing falsetto/as low as you can go). Or doing something completely unexpected (eg take bowls of water and chairs outside, grab icecreams/other snacks and invite them to join you sitting with feet in water to have snack and cool down). Or usher them all out of the house to the local supermarket cafe (10 mins walk for us, change of scene + air conditioning + snack + I know I'm more patient with them in public places).
    I am trying a new mini mindfulness technique – hoping that will help (today is first day) – blog post soon.
    Good luck. You are not alone. The summer holidays are long and this weather (assuming you have the heatwave too) makes everyone grumpy.

    1. Thank you. That was a particularly crappy day and the weather definitely wasn't helping – it was really hot, but not sunny, and incredibly humid. Horrible combination. All your suggestions are good and have been tried, I think the problem for me when I get into that kind of hole is staying rational long enough to think of a way out, and then having the wherewithal to put it into practice. Not always easy!

  2. It is SO hard to have the kids home full time. I'm struggling with much the same. I'm also realizing, as I mentioned to AisforAnxiety in her blog, that I should be more proactive about scheduling my "me time" and my self-care. Naturally it gets completely eliminated from whatever loose schedule we have. But it absolutely MUST be in there. Otherwise I'm a monster and my irritation only serves to ramp up the kids even more.

    By the way, I love your use of TV in this situation. I know before you mentioned feeling guilty about putting kids in front of the TV. But in this case, it sounds like the perfect solution for what you needed right then – kids occupied and content, you doing yoga or blogging or something that helps calm you down.

    Keep hanging in there. xx

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *