The weather outside is that particular brand of sideways rain that Connemara is so good at, and it’s cold. I feel the need to write, so I’ve relented. The kids are happily ensconced in front of netflix, still in their jammies (gasp!!) and I’ve retreated to the comfort of bed with the laptop. Bitchface is tempted to make me feel guilty about this, but feck it. It’s the holidays and I need this time.

Form is better than it was on Saturday but I’m preoccupied with a decision that I feel I need to make now. Can you guess? Yup. Therapist. I’ve more or less decided I’m going to take a break for the rest of the summer. Ok, there’s a five week enforced break on the way anyway as she’ll be off, but I feel like I need to push that out and start sooner. Why? I want to see if I can. I’ve been doing so well this last couple of weeks. Yes, Saturday was a little blip but nothing to worry about. I think if there was ever a time when circumstances were right to try this, it’s now, when I’m off work and there’s no crisis to contend with. Things are pretty much as settled as they have been at any point in the last 6 years, and to be honest, I don’t want to go delving into anything that might shake that.

There’s a catch though. When I think about not seeing her any more, my stomach does back flips with anxiety and I get really worked up, but if I decide to continue, then things stay calm, and I feel I’ve nothing to say to her so the sessions are wasted. I t makes no sense, I realise that. The sense of dependency I feel on her is definitely playing a part as well, as it always does, and I’m genuinely concerned that this is now something that’s holding me back. I feel like I need to prove to myself that I can be ok, by myself. On a rational level I know it’s not her I’m reliant on, it’s the process, but I’m too close to it now to be able to really see that. I’m hoping that taking a step back for a few weeks, however challenging that may be, will help me to see that I am ok. DBT is helping a lot – I’m working hard on validating myself and it’s keeping me from flying off into a spiral when I think of not having Therapist.

I’ve just read back over the above, and something struck me. Part of this decision is fear. I’m afraid I won’t be able to manage while she’s gone, so I want to try while I know she’s still here to fall back on. Good plan? No idea. Mostly it’s very, very confusing.

This article has 6 Comments

  1. Sometimes people in our lives be it family friends or councilors can become our crutch. I feel those belly flips every time my hubby goes to work and I left with"IT ALL"..of course I can cope, but part of me feels like I cope better with that crutch..So go for it, make that step forward in been that independent you g mum and take another step back away from your crutch. Best of luck

  2. Feeling good can be the best time for therapy. You can learn a lot about yourself from a new perspective. Don't feel you need to have new things to tell her. Think of it as thinking aloud with someone else present and not judging your thoughts. Maybe try painting in your next session. Art Therapy always brings fresh ideas and thoughts. Everybody needs support of some kind. It's what makes us human. I'd recommend you continue therapy , but create a new space there which belongs only to you, indulge yourself ! Feel your feet on the ground. Relax your shoulders. Smile. Take care x

    1. Thanks Aoife. I think part of the problem is how self conscious I feel, even after all these years with her, or maybe because of all these years!! I feel like I should have myself sorted by now, that I'm boring her by going over the same stuff again and again. Mostly I find it really, really hard to believe that she actually still wants to listen and am becoming convinced she's jsut humouring me.

  3. As you keep returning to this one its obviously a bit of a conundrum for you. Good luck whatever your decision. It reminds me a little of your decision to try and come of meds. You went round and round in circles and then finally tried without, which didn't work for you. But you do seem happier with your need to be on meds since then. So maybe a period without Therapist will be good for you in the long run however it goes in the short term, because you'll know how you'll cope, and the not knowing seems to bother you a lot. Fingers crossed the answer is less dramatic than with the meds. Shame there aren't the same tapering options.

    1. You see technically I could taper, in that we'd stretch out the gap between sessions. But that leaves me feeling so incredibly awful that I don't seem to be able to tolerate it. Which I guess is my answer right there. Mostly I think I'm just tired of having to keep so many plates in the air to keep myself well, it's bloody hard work and I don't want to be doing it right now.

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