The weather outside is that particular brand of sideways rain that Connemara is so good at, and it’s cold. I feel the need to write, so I’ve relented. The kids are happily ensconced in front of netflix, still in their jammies (gasp!!) and I’ve retreated to the comfort of bed with the laptop. Bitchface is tempted to make me feel guilty about this, but feck it. It’s the holidays and I need this time.
Form is better than it was on Saturday but I’m preoccupied with a decision that I feel I need to make now. Can you guess? Yup. Therapist. I’ve more or less decided I’m going to take a break for the rest of the summer. Ok, there’s a five week enforced break on the way anyway as she’ll be off, but I feel like I need to push that out and start sooner. Why? I want to see if I can. I’ve been doing so well this last couple of weeks. Yes, Saturday was a little blip but nothing to worry about. I think if there was ever a time when circumstances were right to try this, it’s now, when I’m off work and there’s no crisis to contend with. Things are pretty much as settled as they have been at any point in the last 6 years, and to be honest, I don’t want to go delving into anything that might shake that.
There’s a catch though. When I think about not seeing her any more, my stomach does back flips with anxiety and I get really worked up, but if I decide to continue, then things stay calm, and I feel I’ve nothing to say to her so the sessions are wasted. I t makes no sense, I realise that. The sense of dependency I feel on her is definitely playing a part as well, as it always does, and I’m genuinely concerned that this is now something that’s holding me back. I feel like I need to prove to myself that I can be ok, by myself. On a rational level I know it’s not her I’m reliant on, it’s the process, but I’m too close to it now to be able to really see that. I’m hoping that taking a step back for a few weeks, however challenging that may be, will help me to see that I am ok. DBT is helping a lot – I’m working hard on validating myself and it’s keeping me from flying off into a spiral when I think of not having Therapist.
I’ve just read back over the above, and something struck me. Part of this decision is fear. I’m afraid I won’t be able to manage while she’s gone, so I want to try while I know she’s still here to fall back on. Good plan? No idea. Mostly it’s very, very confusing.