I’m back from the psychologist. It turned out to be a short visit in the end. She started with ‘tell me how things are’ – my least favourite question to hear from anyone in a medical/therapeutic role – how things are when?? Today? Yesterday? The last week? The last year? Because any variation of the above would lead to a vastly different answer, and I am utterly rubbish at knowing where to start. But I managed. She got a very potted version of the last year (ups, downs, med changes etc) and then a touch more detail on the last week and home life in general. That seemed to be enough, she has me signed up for a DBT group starting at the end of May. DBT stands for Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. Basically it’s a form of therapy for people who, like me, have difficulty regulating their emotions. There are four core modules – mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance and emotion regulation. There’ll be a workbook, skills practice and homework. It’s a closed group (ie same people every week, unlike an on-going support group) for a finite amount of time, either 6 or 8 weeks.

So………result? I think so. Thankfully I can keep working with Therapist which is good, I was really afraid they’d want to change that. The hardest part of the entire visit actually was that I had to walk through the ward I stayed in last year. Now that was weird. It smelled the same. The same nurses were there, the same crumpled beds and stale air. Last weekend I wanted to be there. At many, many times over the past weeks I’ve wanted to be there. Today I’m not so sure.

That said, I’m still really apprehensive about the next few weeks, it’s early days with the new meds and I’m still having as much trouble as before keeping myself calm. But things are moving in the right direction. My psychiatrist has listened. I have new meds. There’ll be a support group. I’ll keep seeing Therapist. As for myself, I’ll try and keep doing the things that work – running, yoga, writing. Hubby and the kids are heading east for a few days at the weekend which will give me some breathing space and hopefully by the time they get back I’ll be long enough on the new meds to start seeing some changes. I can do this, right?

I think the plan is that I’ll land somewhere reasonably close to the middle when all of this is under control again. I’m a touch (!!) too emotional right now

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