I had a fairly spectacular crisis of confidence earlier. The reason it happened is less relevant than how I responded, and how quickly it got very, very scary.
Remember the od incident of a few months back? Right before that happened, I thought a couple of things, and then I did a couple of things. Today I found myself going through the exact same thought process, and wanted to repeat the behaviours of last time. The thought process? It’s not pretty but here goes………..I don’t have any friends, not really. I have people who tolerate me, people who pity me, and people who like the drama of being associated with a potential train wreck (I mean no disrespect to anyone in saying this, I’m simply outlining how distorted my thinking can get).
I then moved on to my family. I found myself standing in front of a set of photos that I finally got round to hanging not too long ago, and looking at my kids, at Hubby, my sisters and my parents. What was going through my mind? How it would be if I was absent from each of those pictures. Would it be such a bad thing? You can probably see why this was starting to get scary.
So then I moved from thought processes to behaviours. The evening of the od, I checked myself out of social media. Deactivated facebook, shut down the blog, shut down the page. Doing all of the above was very, very high on the list of things I badly wanted to do today. But what would this achieve, I mean, really, what could I possibly hope to achieve? The last time it put everyone on high alert straight away. So then I tried looking into deactivating my personal page, but keeping the blog page there – the gods of facebook won’t allow that. I didn’t want to deactivate the whole lot again, I didn’t want to scare people. I should probably point out that I’m not sure now, nor was I at the time, what good could come from doing that. I think I just get phenomenally frustrated sometimes, and feel like I’m banging my head off a brick wall – who am I to think that anyone at all wants to read this?? How unbelievably narcissistic is that? So there’s that side of it. Then there’s the people who are really making an impact -the Bressies of the world. How can anything I ever say possibly be heard next to the likes of him? How can it even be relevant?
Hence the knee jerk reaction – shut the whole lot down. I’m not helping anyone, what I’m actually doing is making an unbelievable fool of myself, and I’m kidding myself in thinking it’s any different. I eventually did manage to refrain from deleting all my accounts, although I deleted all the apps from my phone. Not sure what I hoped to achieve with that either. Maybe it’s feeding my ego – if I go quiet for a few days will anyone notice? Will anyone care?
I hate that I can think like this, it genuinely sickens me. But for a good hour this afternoon I was dangerously close to slipping past caring. I pulled back, I’m still here. But the trigger for all of this is as yet unresolved (and for once, it’s NOTHING to do with Therapist!!!) I guess I’ll need to be careful for a few days.