I’m in the frame of mind where small talk is beyond me. If you try, I’ll likely give you a blank stare and then wander off, because my brain simply isn’t capable of keeping up with normal conversation right now. I spent a considerable amount of time today staring at nothing. I’m depressed, but not sad depressed, more the feel nothing variety. I’m actually not sure which is preferable. Both involve a ridiculous amount of effort to get anything done, just one generally leads to more crying. So maybe not feeling is good? But then, if I were to have a good cry, I’d probably feel better afterwards……..

I’m in limbo. I know, I keep saying it, but I’ve been in limbo for months, and the closer it gets to maybe dbt, the harder it is to handle the not knowing. I think I have myself convinced that once I know I’m starting dbt, that will miraculously make everything ok. I guess at least knowing that there’s a definite direction gives me back some control. At the moment I feel like I have no control. I know how much I need to talk to a therapist to try and get myself functioning again, but I can’t, and that makes me feel powerless. All that’s happening right now is that I’m taking ever increasing amounts of drugs, and sitting around waiting for things to change. I think the drugs have done as much as they can, the rest is down to me.

But left to my own devices, I’m wandering around in circles, both literally and metaphorically, the same thought processes, over and over again. I need to get back to work. I’m afraid to go back to work. I’m not able to work. Of course I’m able to work, I’m just being lazy. I need to try harder. I need to get my arse in gear. And on, and on, and on. Occasionally I get brief glimpses of self compassion where I realise I’m possibly being a little hard on myself, but for the most part every single thing I’m doing right now is driven by guilt and/or anger and/or frustration. I’m getting nowhere, and it’s frustrating the hell out of me. Hubby is a living legend and being so supportive, but I suspect it’s bugging the hell out of him too, because at times I am beyond irrational and I can only imagine how challenging that is to deal with.

Things need to change, but at this stage I’m at a loss as to how unless I get some form of therapy. Making myself get dressed and do the bare minimum around the house is taking a gargantuan effort, yoga is beyond me, running a distant memory. I’m eating crap. I’m probably drinking more than I should. It’s become this self perpetuating vicious cycle and I want out of it.


This article has 6 Comments

  1. I forgot what you wrote about the possibility of having sessions with a different therapist in the meantime.

    I know what it feels like to function at the minimum level, and I think it’s bad to have no therapeutic support whatsoever when things seem so pointless. I’ve been there and keep going there.

    I’m sure if there was a possibility to get a new therapist you would have done so. But can’t you see someone privately, where you pay for the sessions yourself, even if it’s only once a month or every six weeks? Just to have someone to talk to.

    1. I can’t because I was advised not to while waiting for dbt, apparently it’s good to have a therapy break. I’m not sure that plan has worked out as well as they intended, but I should hear about dbt in the next week or so, so I can hang on till then. If I don’t get a place then I’ll have to find someone else because this can’t continue.

  2. I can see that it makes sense to come to an end with a therapist when there is nothing left to say or no progress. But how could it harm to have an outside person to talk to once in a while to sort all these thoughts we get in these mental illnesses – also to take some pressure of the closest family members who have to cope with us. 🙂

  3. It’s an endless battle Fiona and the victories are always kinda small, or seem so. But there can be victories all the same and while small they add up. I was diagnosed with a personality disorder by a consultant psychiatrist 25 years ago, after a business collapse and legal troubles. I asked the gentleman what that meant and if it were serious – I was told that it would ‘keep me out of the clink’. No further or better elucidation was given and I continued on my way with occasional inexplicable outbursts of rage and animosity to others upon which I had become inexplicably fixated. This would usually happen when alcohol was consumed in consciousness impairing amounts. The most recent was just before Christmas 2015 at a work night out. I had been doing some reading in late 2015 finally on the subject of PD. I took some of the many ‘popular’ PD tests online and in every one I saw my thoughts and actions reflected. It has been a profound shock to me that I was not put into the picture all those years ago but the general thrust was ‘it’s all behind you now, Just get on with your life’. Also ones family and loved ones were under pressure also and one wanted to bring a happy ending and ‘onwards and upwards’ narrative to them.
    When the legal people were asking me questions on why, how and what was I thinking about, I had no real answers. Now I can see that my thoughts governed my reality and destroyed my future. I have come through in a manner of speaking but this is an insidious syndrome and does not have sufficient public profile to allow the public have even a smidgen of comprehension of what it is like to live it.

  4. Don’t forget the big 4, Everyday:

    Some Fresh air
    Some form of Physical Movement: a walk, a stretch, a dance
    Some Music
    Some Talk

  5. This is the 2nd piece of your I ‘ve read today and so much identification. I m stuck at the moment and seem unable to kick myself into gear. I ‘ve the same fears around work thinking I m not able, I ‘ll never be able, i ‘ve no confidence and i can t push myself ouside my comfort zone. Trying to get appt with shrink as I really need to talk.I find it so hard when I know I m stuck, in theory I know what to do but in practice I m just not able to. I m getting up and doing what really needs to be done (when I can ) and watching as the chaos increases around me. Thanks for sharing.

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