I’m in the frame of mind where small talk is beyond me. If you try, I’ll likely give you a blank stare and then wander off, because my brain simply isn’t capable of keeping up with normal conversation right now. I spent a considerable amount of time today staring at nothing. I’m depressed, but not sad depressed, more the feel nothing variety. I’m actually not sure which is preferable. Both involve a ridiculous amount of effort to get anything done, just one generally leads to more crying. So maybe not feeling is good? But then, if I were to have a good cry, I’d probably feel better afterwards……..
I’m in limbo. I know, I keep saying it, but I’ve been in limbo for months, and the closer it gets to maybe dbt, the harder it is to handle the not knowing. I think I have myself convinced that once I know I’m starting dbt, that will miraculously make everything ok. I guess at least knowing that there’s a definite direction gives me back some control. At the moment I feel like I have no control. I know how much I need to talk to a therapist to try and get myself functioning again, but I can’t, and that makes me feel powerless. All that’s happening right now is that I’m taking ever increasing amounts of drugs, and sitting around waiting for things to change. I think the drugs have done as much as they can, the rest is down to me.
But left to my own devices, I’m wandering around in circles, both literally and metaphorically, the same thought processes, over and over again. I need to get back to work. I’m afraid to go back to work. I’m not able to work. Of course I’m able to work, I’m just being lazy. I need to try harder. I need to get my arse in gear. And on, and on, and on. Occasionally I get brief glimpses of self compassion where I realise I’m possibly being a little hard on myself, but for the most part every single thing I’m doing right now is driven by guilt and/or anger and/or frustration. I’m getting nowhere, and it’s frustrating the hell out of me. Hubby is a living legend and being so supportive, but I suspect it’s bugging the hell out of him too, because at times I am beyond irrational and I can only imagine how challenging that is to deal with.
Things need to change, but at this stage I’m at a loss as to how unless I get some form of therapy. Making myself get dressed and do the bare minimum around the house is taking a gargantuan effort, yoga is beyond me, running a distant memory. I’m eating crap. I’m probably drinking more than I should. It’s become this self perpetuating vicious cycle and I want out of it.