I’m not ok. I thought I was, but then some behaviour the last few days warned me that I’m not. It was one of my usual flags – too reliant on Therapist, trying to find out more about her than I should, pushing the boundaries, so obviously (in my very non-rational way of thinking), cutting therapy off entirely is the best plan. So I did, or at least, I tried to. I had a session booked for 5 today. I spent hours hopping back and forth between cancelling and going. Eventually, I cancelled, and didn’t make any mention of rescheduling. She came back offering the same time next week, I told her I wasn’t sure and to offer it to someone else if needed.
I met a friend today, who I haven’t seen for months and coincidentally is also a therapist. When she asked me how I’m doing, I found myself doing a spectacular deflection of the question and made sure we spent the whole time together talking about what’s going on for her. We had a really lovely chat, and it was great to catch up, but I wasn’t honest with her, and she is someone I know I can be 100% honest with.
I also hadn’t told Hubby that I had been thinking about cancelling, or that I had in fact decided to cancel. Why? Because I knew what his response would be. Don’t cancel. Don’t do anything rash. Why don’t you want to go? We agreed that you wouldn’t cancel any more appointments without talking about it………….etc etc. It was just easier not to tell him, not have the conversation, and then I was going to come up with some reason as to why I wasn’t going. (Incidentally, I’ve since told him) So, three flags. Cancelling, not being honest about how I’m doing, and keeping Hubby out of the loop. Not good, not good at all.
I’m trying to figure out what this is all about. It feels like it’s about the therapeutic relationship, again, and my sense of neediness. I absolutely, 110%, hate that feeling, so I try and run away from it by removing myself from the person I see as the source, in this case, Therapist. But in removing myself from her, two things happen. Firstly, I’m taking away the very support I need to help me figure this out, and ultimately am probably doing myself more harm than good. Secondly, cutting myself off from her inevitably makes the need stronger and more difficult to ignore. I know, from bitter experience, that this need only becomes an issue when I’m slipping a little. It isn’t about her. Worth repeating – it isn’t about her. The weekend was very, very strange. While I’m not plummeting to the depths of despair, something isn’t right. I don’t know what. Maybe it’s all part of adjusting to the medication. Maybe the medication isn’t enough. But something just isn’t right. I’m functioning fine. I’m doing my yoga. I’m engaging with my family. I’m working. But I know enough about how I feel when things start to slip to know that this is more than just an off day. I’ve looked back at my traffic lights.
|I’m hovering between yellow and orange|
I need to try and turn it around now. So, with that in mind, I’ve rescheduled. I’ll be seeing Therapist at 4.