So since this morning, things have been more or less utter shite. I’ve spent the day either staring at nothing, or raging at myself for said staring and generally being utterly miserable and a pain in the arse to be around. So much so, that I decided early this afternoon that I’d had enough, and put myself on the bus to town with the intention of demanding I be admitted to hospital. I even got as far as the car park outside A&E. But remember the little voice I mentioned this morning? The one that always thinks a different plan would be better? Up she piped again, to tell me how ridiculous I was being, that I was just looking for attention, what would it achieve anyway yada yada yada…… I left. Dad had taken the kids to the golden arches for lunch (Hubby was away at training all day), so I rang him, he picked me, and we took the scenic route home by the coast. Once home, I proceeded to hide in my room for pretty much the rest of the day. Thanks to the combination of sleepy and xanax, I conked out for an hour or so, so that passed some time at least where I wasn’t thinking. Then it was back to alternating between raging and staring before dragging myself out for a walk at about 7 so as to avoid bedtime with the kids (I cannot be around them when I’m like this, I’m not the person they know – it’s too confusing for them and makes me feel even worse). Really earned my mammy stars today, didn’t I?

Even the quiet down by the river failed to work it’s magic today

So here’s the thing. I’ve finally figured out what the guilt is making me feel (apart from guilty, obviously). I feel like an infection. That’s why I want to be alone, and why I want to be in hospital. When I was there last year, there was a girl on my ward who was incredibly angry, all the time. She exuded anger, the atmosphere changed when she was in the room. And now? Now I’m her. The kids had a blast with Grandad today. The only time there was tension or giving out was when I appeared. I feel like I’m infecting my house. I keep being told that I’m better off at home. How so? How can I be better at home when my very presence is a problem for everyone else, never mind how much that adds to the already hefty dose of guilt I feel?

Hubby told me this evening that he’s proud of me for getting through today, it’s been one of the worst days yet of this particular episode. I’m not. I’ll be proud of me the day that I stop being a black cloud hanging over this house.

This article has 8 Comments

  1. I can't believe that you have no comments Fiona. You seemed to have so much support not so long ago, I don't know, are people fickle? or are they afraid? I have lost a lot through my mental health stuff (in adverted commas), and one of the trials that I feel so much now is loneliness. Time seems to be so unconnected, I haven't a lot of outside contacts, I had to give up work as the pressure seemed at that time to be untenable. I was also trying to stay sober and the headaches (migranes) that that produced ultimately made my life unbearable. I am not doing as much as I would like to be doing, but I am trying to be happy doing what I can at the moment. It sounds like you can't step outside your family life in your blog, and I think you are raging at the entrapment. Although your love is total for them, you are hounded by the incapacity you have to demonstrate it. I can't tell you what to do, I'd love to tell you stop trying, it doesn't really matter in the end, but…it is crap Buddhism, I think!

    1. You express that so well – 'hounded by my incapacity to demonstrate it'. Yup. I can do hugs, that's not a problem, it's everything else that goes with family life that's the issue.
      As for support, most of my comments appear on facebook these days, but thanks for the concern, and for taking the time to do something about it! I hope things improve for you soon

  2. Don't be so hard on yourself Fiona. I know that it can't be easy. You've only been on your new meds a few days. As far as I know it can some take time for them to become effective. I hope that today is a better day for you and that the guilt and the anger that you are feeling passes. Good post by the way.

    1. Thanks Horace. I know that the meds will take time, and am fully resigned to that. It's just the continued feelings of utter shittiness that I need to get through until such a time as they start working are a problem, and have been a problem for such a long time.
      Slept well last night, so hopefully that will help today to be better. Thanks for the support

  3. Fiona, I hope today is brighter than yesterday ~ sound like that wouldn't be too difficult! Like the others, I wish I could wave a magic wand but all I can do is send a hug with a big splash of calming Co. Waterford sea-water in it! Take care and try being extra nice to yourself to counteract all the anger etc. jx

    1. Thanks J. Yesterday was calmer for the most part, although I did need some medicinal aid to get me through. That said, I managed to get out for a run in the evening which really helped, and that seems to be carrying me through this morning. One day at a time, right? Hope you're enjoying the sea air today x

  4. Fiona, I totally empathise with thinking whatever plan I make is the wrong plan. It's so upsetting & incapacitating to be always second-guessing yourself.

    1. Isn't it? It's almost as though there's no point in trying, because I just know I'll end up arguing with myself. So far today is better though, so I'll hang on to that for now.

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