I did something today that I probably should have done about a year ago. I emptied my wardrobe of all the clothes I’ve been hanging onto ‘just in case’ I fit into them again. Turns out that’s pretty much everything I own.
I’m trying to see this as a good thing, I really am, but honestly, I’m struggling. I actually feel more ashamed of this than quite a lot of the other stuff I’ve written about. It feels so small and petty. But here’s the thing – I’m actively disgusted by how I look right now. I can’t stand to catch sight of myself in the mirror, and I absolutely hate the way my body feels. There are parts of me jiggling that have never jiggled before. There are parts of me rubbing off each other that have never rubbed before. I’m trying to embrace it, but so far, I’m hitting something of a wall.
I don’t have an eating disorder – thankfully that’s something we’ve been able to keep off the list. But I am extremely conscious of my size. Over the last year, as I’ve continued to get better, my weight has correspondingly increased. I could blame the medication, but I think it’s more to do with my chronic lack of willpower when it comes to food. I’m a comfort eater, always have been. I eat to celebrate, to make myself feel better, when I’m tired, when I’m cold, when I’m bored………in short, far more than I need to. I don’t make smart food choices. Fruit? No! Cake makes far more sense. And it’s infinitely worse when I’m in work, for reasons I can’t yet fathom. This week is a prime example. Every morning, en route to the office, I picked up a danish, less than an hour after breakfast. I just wouldn’t do that at home. As I’m doing it, I know it’s ultimately going to make me feel worse. But I can’t seem to stop it. Compulsive behaviour? It’s almost the same sense I get when I take a notion in my head to contact Therapist. I know I shouldn’t. I know it will lead to guilt, and self loathing, and shame. But I also know, as soon as the thought has registered on my radar, be it contacting Therapist, fb snooping, giving in to yet another food craving, that I will do it, regardless of all of the above.
I’ve talked about it with Hubby, and to a lesser extent, with a couple of friends. Everyone agrees I look better than this time last year – when I’m not well, I tend to lose weight and at my worst was pretty gaunt. But the problem is, show me two pictures, a then and a now, and then is the one I’ll prefer! This isn’t new. This whole subject is something that has always been lurking in the background but I’ve been too preoccupied with all the other insanity to give it much time. Now that things are that much more settled, it’s coming to the fore. I don’t like it. Ignoring it isn’t making it better. Normally I find a good wardrobe clear out really therapeutic. But not this time. This time all it’s done is serve to highlight what I currently like least about myself. Now where did I leave the chinese menu……….