I’ve no idea what is going to come of this post but I think it’s important that I write anyway. I want to keep track of how this withdrawal process is going, and to be able to look back and see if it had an impact on me, or if it was plain sailing. So far, well until today anyway, I’ve been surprisingly ok. My mood has been reasonably stable, and if anything has tended towards more up than down. There have been occasional physical signs that I’m missing the chemicals, but nothing to write home about, and if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m acutely aware of any changes in myself right now, physically or emotionally, then I’m not sure I’d have noticed them at all.

Today was different though. I saw Therapist this morning and it was a tough session. We’re working in a really focussed way at the moment which means I’m making a lot of progress but it isn’t easy. As we finished today she warned me I would probably cry at some stage before the day was out and that I was to look after myself – needless to say that started me off. Compassion gets me every time. The rest of the day I’ve mostly felt very vulnerable and exposed, and my mood is definitely lower than it has been so far this week. Is it because of what we discussed, or med changes? I suspect a combination of both.

Does this piece go in the chemical section or the emotion section???

I spoke to the community mental health nurse yesterday. I wanted to find out if they would consider leaving me off antidepressants altogether as things have been gong so well on the reduced dose this week. Therapist didn’t object to this plan, if anything actually seemed enthusiastic about it, but as yet, psychiatry are not willing to entertain the idea. He told me that withdrawal doesn’t always kick in straight away, but that if (when?) it does it can be particularly debilitating, and given my sensitivity to medication, they’re not willing to risk my stopping completely so quickly. Fair enough I guess but at the same time I’ve also been told I’ll have no problems coming off it at all, which is what I heard last time and we all know how that turned out!! Taking all of that into consideration, maybe the reason I felt so vulnerable today was because I was just going to anyway, and it was compounded by what we talked about this morning.

So there you have it. I’m not feeling particularly insightful right now, and I doubt this has been all that interesting to read, but for me, I know it’s going to be really useful to look back this time next week so I can gauge how med changes are affecting me. Tomorrow I start alternating day on day off, with an off day tomorrow. Missing doses in the past hasn’t worked well, but given that I’m already on a lower dose, maybe it will go ok. I’m apprehensive. But, I’m also so very, very glad to almost, finally, be shut of this particular nasty. Cross your fingers for me!

This article has 2 Comments

  1. Although I get the technical part of medication, what it should be doing to my brain is just add the little chemical pieces that will get my brain work better for itself, it's still a mystery why it works, and especially in the beginning when it started working two years ago, I kept thinking, is this me? Is this the pills talking? Do I feel this way because I think differently, or because I take a pill?
    One of the most confusing things about this disease and it's "cures" is that you just cannot seem to trust your own feelings at times, when does "me" stop and where does the therapy kicks in. It triggers existentialism thoughttrains and I can't work out the boundaries lie. Therapist tells me, does it matter, as long as you feel better? Hell yeah it does! If you can't trust your own thoughts who can you trust?
    Coming off medicines at least gives you the feeling you have some things under control. Unfortunately we culdn't control our own emotions before, that's why we started on medication in the first place!
    Get's me everytime and I just cannot reason my way out of this, I just don't understand how my brain works now it no longer goes automatically like everyone else. ( oh well, like the 3 out of 4 who don't seem to have mental propblems or are in denial)
    Bla bla bla, I was just going to comment that your post makes sense, and it will reflect in later posts, that in the autumn of 2013 things changed, for the good 🙂
    Annemiek

    1. 🙂 so sorry for the delayed response, and thank you! I've had that conversation so many times with Therapist – is it me, is it drugs – she maintains that it's me, that the drugs are allowing me to be me, but I'm not convinced. I do feel more in control having made my decision to see how I am without (or at least without one of them), and also, to have been listened to and supported by my GP in doing that. I'm keeping an open mind, but really hoping that you're right – that when I look back I will see autumn 2013 as my turning point.
      x

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