Following on from my last post, things still aren’t great. Hubby and D headed east today while myself and M stayed home to have some girl time, we’ll join the boys tomorrow. I was incredibly anxious this morning, not about how I’d be with her, but just how I’d manage myself and whether I could be enough for her. Thankfully she is one of the two most gorgeous, wonderful small people I know, and constantly surprises me and makes me laugh, so she’s been great at keeping me out of my head all day. But now she’s in bed, so I need to write to try and figure out where I’m at.
I’ve been thinking about how best to approach this, and am going to try and look at all the little bits objectively, as if I was listening to someone else rather than myself. There’s a lot going on. Work has been difficult, to put it incredibly mildly. I don’t want to get into it, but suffice to say the easy transition I had hoped for has most certainly not materialised, and it’s knocked me for six. So there’s that. My mood has been low for over a week, more or less consistently. If I keep going, keep doing, keep myself distracted, I’m reasonably ok, but as soon as I’ve nothing to occupy me my mind starts racing. The nasty medication side effects that had finally subsided only about a month ago are back with force. I should be tired, I haven’t been getting enough sleep but when it comes to evening time I don’t want to go to bed, and when I do, I’m having pretty disrupted sleep – vivid, disturbing dreams, extreme cold sweats (thanks medication). Last night I had what we call ‘a spider attack’. I’m terrified of spiders, always have been, and when I’m more anxious, I tend to dream they’re on my pillow and leap from the bed in a panic before I’m even awake enough to know what’s going on. Last night was the first time in a long time that’s happened – I jumped with such violence my leg went into a vicious cramp which still hurt this morning and poor Hubby nearly had a heart attack. Bear in mind I’m taking medication to help me sleep…….what else? I’ve lost interest in cooking. I’m more withdrawn. Physically, I’m shaky. When I get very anxious it’s a sensation that takes up most of my body – it starts in the pit of my stomach and seems to go right up to my head. My breathing gets shallow and my hands shake. I’m questioning whether I’m over reliant on Therapist and if I should in fact stop seeing her. I’m questioning whether I should continue taking medication as it seems to be losing effectiveness. (I should clarify at this point that I’m still doing both!!)
This evening, writing this and after a lot of quality time with my girl, I’m feeling better. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day and I need to be ok. Then next week the next instalment of my work drama awaits. I can’t look ahead. Yesterday I wasn’t able to talk about it at all without getting wound up, today I managed to tell a good friend what’s been going on without losing it, so I guess that’s progress. I’m also very conscious I’m at a safe distance from it right now, but come Monday I’ll have to face up to it again.
I guess the whole point of writing this evening was to figure out whether or not I’m in dangerous territory right now. I just read back over the above and I think I need to be really careful the next while. At this precise moment I feel ok, but this morning was a very different story, and when I’m low, it’s really difficult to persuade myself to do what I need to to give myself the best possible chance of staying well. When I’m low, depression takes over from Bitchface and tells me not to bother, not to fight it, it’s inevitable that it’ll come back so why go to all that effort? I’m also confused in myself as to what’s the right thing to do. Do I go with the mindful acceptance approach? Easier said than done when I currently can’t sit still without heading over to the dark side. Do I try and force myself out of it, but ultimately end up wedging the door more open? I honestly don’t know. So I guess I’ll have to just take it as it comes. Like I said, tomorrow is busy, I won’t have time to think which at this point is a very good thing. And after that? Well that’s as far ahead as I can think right now so the rest will have to wait.