I’m not a good news story at the moment. I’m chaotic, emotionally dysregulated, and really struggling to keep myself going. I find myself more and more frequently getting to a place where I simply cannot continue to blindly believe that everything will just work itself out. I’ve hit wall after wall after wall, not just with my mental health, but in terms of changes I need, and am trying so hard to make, in my life. It feels like no matter what way I turn, no matter how hard I try, it’s not enough.

There was another meltdown today, again of epic proportions. A solid hour of near hysteria, the last 20 minutes of which my poor mother had to contend with by phone. I’m lucky the N59 is a reasonably straight road, because the drive home from work seems to be my breaking point at the moment. I’m not sure why that is. Possibly because it’s the longest guaranteed stint of time alone that I have in the day. Whatever the reason, I’m starting to lose track of how often these mid day meltdowns are happening. A conservative estimate has it at at least twice a week since finishing with Therapist.

The thing is, post meltdown, once the shock of it has worn off, I’m relatively ok for a few hours. I can function again, if often in a very detached way. But it’s taking so little to trip the switch again, to cross me over into not coping. When I was talking to Mam today she said she was starting to worry about my wellbeing, about the toll this is taking on me. I’m starting to worry myself. Thankfully I have a well timed appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday, so I’m hoping against hope that she will have something helpful to say about all this.

It occurred to me earlier that this blog has become very dark of late, and I was worried that this might be pissing people off. No one wants to read a long litany of complaints and negativity. But the thing is, this is my reality right now. I could sugar coat it, or hide the nastier parts, but it wouldn’t serve me any purpose at all, and at the end of the day I’m mostly writing for me (sorry if that sounds impossibly selfish). I’m really, really struggling right now. I’m sorry if that makes for frustrating or downer inducing reading, but I hope you understand that I’m doing everything I can to make this better. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the support that you’ve been giving me, it’s incredible and helping so much. That said, I very much understand if you need to take a break from reading – the last thing I want to do is drag you down with me!

Mostly I’m sorry. And really, really tired. Will this pass? Eventually. Does that help right now? Not in the slightest. But sleep will, so that’s what I’m going to try to do.

 

 

 

 

This article has 6 Comments

  1. Hi, I just wanted to send you a massive virtual *Hug*, I know it won’t help in the slightest but I really can feel your pain. Don’t feel bad about posting negative stuff, you are really teaching people like me (parent of a 17 year old BPD daughter), so much and how your moods affect you. It is so hard for her to express herself in the wonderful way you can. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me a window into what its like to be a BPD patient – no book can give you this insight. There are so many people who read your blog, FB page etc. and learn so much from you and we all feel your pain and are sending you so much positive thoughts & energy to get you through this ‘bad spell’. I know it can go on and on and its so exhausting but hang in there and if you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to email me and I can give you my number to call. Presently a full time carer to my daughter who ‘went off the rails’ at 13, I diagnosed her myself after 4th overdose and insisted her Psych team agreed with me as they were reluctant to “label” her – what a joke. Anyway, will be thinking of you and praying you get through these dark days – take it one day at a time (even an hour at a time). You are right about the sleep being a huge key, if you are still having problems maybe ask Gp for some Melatonin. It works wonders for my daughter when she is having a bad period and not sleeping. Sending you lots of love x

    1. 🙂 thank you so much for such kind words, and I’m really glad to hear that What I’ve written is of some help to you in understanding and supporting your daughter. She’s incredibly lucky to have you, both in caring for her and fighting for her to get the help she needs. As for labels – I’m all for them if they help us to understand what’s going on. You can’t fight what you don’t know!!
      Every single comment and message of support makes a huge, huge difference to me, I really do appreciate you taking the time to read and check in.
      Hope things improve for your daughter soon, and don’t forget to look after yourself as well
      x

  2. Keep writing. You’re helping those who’ve never been through it to understand, and those who have to feel less alone.
    Wishing you sunnier days soon.

    1. 🙂 thank you. I’m not sure how well anyone could ever understand this, a lot of the time I don’t myself, but maybe even having some insight into what goes on for the likes of us makes it easier for those who live/work with/know us.

  3. This is exactly what I needed to read at the moment. I am feeling quite similar and it helped to know I am not alone. I see my social worker on Monday and that is what I am hanging on to, she is very good at helping pick through the mire that is my life. Please keep writing if it helps you because you never know when you might reach someone else.

    1. Thank you, and I’m glad this was of some help to you. It always makes me feel that little bit better about things when I know that other people can identify with what I write, although I’m sorry you have to (if that makes sense!)
      Hope things went well with your social worker

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