I’m not a good news story at the moment. I’m chaotic, emotionally dysregulated, and really struggling to keep myself going. I find myself more and more frequently getting to a place where I simply cannot continue to blindly believe that everything will just work itself out. I’ve hit wall after wall after wall, not just with my mental health, but in terms of changes I need, and am trying so hard to make, in my life. It feels like no matter what way I turn, no matter how hard I try, it’s not enough.
There was another meltdown today, again of epic proportions. A solid hour of near hysteria, the last 20 minutes of which my poor mother had to contend with by phone. I’m lucky the N59 is a reasonably straight road, because the drive home from work seems to be my breaking point at the moment. I’m not sure why that is. Possibly because it’s the longest guaranteed stint of time alone that I have in the day. Whatever the reason, I’m starting to lose track of how often these mid day meltdowns are happening. A conservative estimate has it at at least twice a week since finishing with Therapist.
The thing is, post meltdown, once the shock of it has worn off, I’m relatively ok for a few hours. I can function again, if often in a very detached way. But it’s taking so little to trip the switch again, to cross me over into not coping. When I was talking to Mam today she said she was starting to worry about my wellbeing, about the toll this is taking on me. I’m starting to worry myself. Thankfully I have a well timed appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday, so I’m hoping against hope that she will have something helpful to say about all this.
It occurred to me earlier that this blog has become very dark of late, and I was worried that this might be pissing people off. No one wants to read a long litany of complaints and negativity. But the thing is, this is my reality right now. I could sugar coat it, or hide the nastier parts, but it wouldn’t serve me any purpose at all, and at the end of the day I’m mostly writing for me (sorry if that sounds impossibly selfish). I’m really, really struggling right now. I’m sorry if that makes for frustrating or downer inducing reading, but I hope you understand that I’m doing everything I can to make this better. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the support that you’ve been giving me, it’s incredible and helping so much. That said, I very much understand if you need to take a break from reading – the last thing I want to do is drag you down with me!
Mostly I’m sorry. And really, really tired. Will this pass? Eventually. Does that help right now? Not in the slightest. But sleep will, so that’s what I’m going to try to do.