I’m at home. Yesterday was horrible – emotional, exhausting, physically I felt like crap. I tossed back and forth for hours about whether to take today off – was I copping out? Should I just work through it? I spoke to Hubby. I spoke to Therapist. Both agreed it was time to step back. Quite a few other folk gently suggested that maybe a few days to myself would be of help. In fairness, they’re probably right. If I was feeling like this and there wasn’t a biochemical reason for it I’d probably be pretty concerned and taking time off anyway.

So, here I am. I know what I need to do today. I need to try and catch up on some rest, do a good long yoga practice, get some air, and generally look after myself. I also need to make sure I don’t let the day drift by with me staring at the interweb/walls, not doing anything to help myself feel better and getting frustrated at what I know I would end up perceiving as a waste of time.

So far? I’ve tried to get some sleep but that hasn’t worked out. It’s hard enough to come by at night so I guess I was prepared for it to be a non runner. Still, I’ve been in bed, so that has to count for something. There has been interweb time (obviously, I’m here, writing this), but it doesn’t feel like time wasted. Except for the time I spent ogling clothes I can’t buy. That could be construed as time wasting. I’ve had a good browse of my yoga site and I think I’ve settled on the practice I want to do. I know, 100%, that I’ll feel better for doing it, I just need to get started.

These few days are so important. I’m aware that what’s going on and how I’m feeling is all down to chemicals leaving my body (kudos to anyone who can give up smoking, it must be horrendous. I don’t want these drugs at all and it’s still a nightmare, can only imagine how much harder it would be if I was actively craving them). I think I probably also need to be aware that it would be incredibly easy to fall back into old patterns now, and allow Bitchface the chance to take over again. While I was with Therapist yesterday we talked about contolling angry impulsive behaviour, which for me could realistically spiral very quickly. If that happens, then all my energy has to go into resolving it, again. I’ve already danced that dance and it’s not fun. So instead, I work now to stop the impulses from getting a hold. Simple, right?!

So, here’s the plan – up, yoga, shower, eat, walk. And then? Read maybe, or bake. Or both. I need calm, quiet and stability. I’m the only one here right now, so it’s up to me to make that happen. I’ll let you know how it goes!

This article has 11 Comments

  1. My husband is exactly where you are today and he stayed at home too. Sending positive vibes your way and hope you'll be ok. This will pass.

  2. Well done for listening to reason and taking some time off. Good luck managing to do well enough at looking after yourself whilst kicking around at home alone in structureless time (I know that for me that can be a bonus or a big trap that ends up making me feel worse)- just remember it only has to be good enough to relieve some of the pressure until you get a bit more of your brain back.

    1. Thank you. I need to work on accepting the 'good enough' part. Today feels like a failure because all I've managed to do so far is cry (repeatedly), get dressed, go for a walk and feed myself. Am trying to see those things as achievements (well maybe not the crying part but I guess better out than in??!) but good old fashioned guilt is giving me a hard time there!

  3. Fiona. Its great that you are taking time to look after yourself. Taking time to relax,do things that you love to do and getting rest are all important on the journey. Lots of people are behind you! Found another great quote,that is very inspiring- especially on this cold day!

    "Keep your face always toward the sunshine-and shadows will fall behind you.”
    ― Walt Whitman

    1. I like that one. Taking time is the first step, but doing what I need to do with that time is more challenging. Today it took most of my energy to just get up, dressed and out for a walk. It's already 3.30 and I feel like I've nothing to show for the day. But the way I feel right now, the very fact that I'm upright has to count for something!! Thanks for the support

  4. Fiona, I know this is more of a question than a comment…… And it's a genuine query. How do you do your daily "program" of up, yoga, shower, eat, walk and then some? I have a hubby, children and a job as well as a home to try and keep blah blah blah. I am struggling BIG TIME getting time to myself, possibly even giving time to myself. I get up and there's the getting kids dressed saga, the breakfast saga, school lunch preparation saga and the out the door saga. My hubby works shift but it's not a terrible shift in that he is home 3 days one week and 4 days the next. Oh, at the moment I'm off work on sick leave, trying to sort myself out! Our child minder for 3 days a week is my sister in law who is one of my best friends – couldn't hope for a better situation, family minding our kids etc. What I find most frustrating is the lack of time. Ok, the last couple of weeks I've gone for a walk after the school run, but then because I'm not "at" work, I help with their school collections. In reality putting 2 toddlers into car seats to collect a junior infant at 2pm, to come home and put 3 in the car to collect our first class-er…….. It's painful. So if I am here I'll help. I know I have to pretend I'm "out" so I can have my time but it's so much easier said than done. And I genuinely wonder how do you do it. Do you get up at the crack of dawn? I don't have the greatest nights sleep so getting up before the kids is tough! I'm sorry if I have wasted your time. I sincerely find your pieces riveting. And I think you're great. Best wishes, Niamh.

    1. You haven't wasted my time!! Unfortunately my yoga/walk/meditate etc etc etc is completely unsustainable when I'm also at work. I'm doing it as much as I can at the moment while I'm off to try and and give myself the best chance possible to get through this withdrawal phase without landing myself back in hospital and on more drugs. Every now and then I get a burst of enthusiasm and start getting up at 5.30 to get yoga in before the rest are up, but really I can only sustain this for a few weeks before I get too tired and the wheels fall off again.
      So short answer? I don't do it, not really. I would in an ideal world, but in an ideal world I'd also not be working, so would have the time to do these things while the kids are at school. For now it's mostly grin and bear it, or at the moment, dig in and hang on for dear life.

  5. Would you believe the title of today's journal piece was "In an ideal world….."???!!!! (Before I read this reply). And work was the starting issue for me too. The finances. Why can't we all just live together "in harmony" , no rat race etc. Anyway on a lighter note (not intending to pull anyone down) at least we are aware of things and working through it. Right?! ����:) �� Thanks again for your messages and replies. Niamh x

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