I don’t really want to write this post because the last couple of days have been mercifully trigger free and for the most part, I’ve been fine. Until last night, when in a fit of tiredness/eye infection/nasty cold induced misery I decided it would be a good plan to mail Therapist. I knew that there was a 99.9% chance that she wouldn’t respond, and so far I’ve been proven right. Ok, I’m a little hurt by that, but I get it. Boundaries.
But then this afternoon………….Galway is such a small town! Of course it would be today that I pass her in the street. Just going about her business, as she’s fully entitled to do, but my god the depth of emotion it triggered in me is all but unbearable. Combination anger (how dare she ignore me), jealousy (because someone else gets to hang out with her), loneliness (because my contact with her is completely on her terms) and that other great bpd hallmark………..the empty pit opening up inside me. I’m so annoyed with myself! Annoyed because I mailed her in the first place which was mind numbingly predictable, annoyed by my reaction to her lack of response, and then all of that annoyance is compounded by the ridiculous flood of emotion on seeing her.
I’ve over three weeks to get through before we even get to have the whole ‘can we actually work together any more’ conversation, never mind talk about all of the above. Depending on the outcome of that conversation, I may never get to talk about this with her. Worse, I know that when I do see her, it will feel impossible to even look at her, much less articulate all of this, and the conversation will be spent most avoiding eye contact and hoping that she will work out what the problem is without me actually having to say anything, which always leaves me feeling horribly frustrated.
Three weeks. For two of those weeks I’m off with the kids, so there’ll be plenty of distraction as long as I can keep myself focussed. And otherwise??? I have got to keep a lid on this, or it will take over. Which right now means I need to get up, walk away from the internet, turn on some loud music and find something productive to do.