I’ve just taken a quick look back over my last few posts, and you could be forgiven for thinking I was headed into a tailspin. But I’m not!! I had a really tough couple of weeks, and it knocked the stuffing out of me, for sure. There were two interviews, neither of which has resulted in a job, and an oral Irish exam which I failed so catastrophically it’s actually funny. In between, those interviews were very much on my mind. I realise that interviewing is painful at the best of times, but I think borderline gave it an extra edge. Talking myself up has never been a strong point, and as I don’t feel I’ve been the most exemplary employee this last couple of years with everything that’s been going on, it was even harder. But, I did it. I went in, rattling, was incredibly nervous throughout, but managed to present myself as well as I could. In the interviews at least. The Irish……………yeah that was just humiliating from start to finish. After about the first minute it was all I could do to keep myself from running out of the room. It was so bad that on top of my own embarrassment I was cringing for the level of cringing the examiners (oh yes, plural – there were FIVE of them) must have been doing on my behalf. Anyway, I survived it, although needless to say, failed it spectacularly.

But here’s what’s different. When I came out of that Irish I was in a shocking state, and it happened just a few hours before my second interview. If I had been put in that position this time last year, it’s doubtful I would have stayed in the room at all, and there’s no way I would have gone through with the interview afterwards. In fact I probably would have had to go home. But last week? Ok, I had a fairly epic moment, there were tears in the office and a considerable amount of chocolate was required to make me feel better. But then I did feel better. So much so, that I went in to the interview and came out feeling I couldn’t actually have done any better. Still didn’t result in a job of course, but that’s a detail at this point.

That’s the other thing that’s different. I’ve bounced back really, really quickly. The Irish/interview combo was on Thursday, and by Friday I was laughing about it. Ok, yes, still cringing slightly, but I can’t imagine I’m the first person in NUIG to fail an Irish exam, and I know I won’t be the last. By the weekend I was fine.

Things are changing for me, there’s no doubt about it. The last few posts I wrote, I truly believed I was headed for the bad place. I desperately wanted to contact Therapist, and felt lost without her support. I couldn’t see me getting through the last couple of weeks without her, and more importantly, I didn’t want to do it without her. But this time, I had to. There was no option to look for emergency extra sessions, no having her talk me down and help me find perspective. There was just me, and whoever I felt able to talk to among friends and family. And I did it. There were many, many tearful conversations with Hubby, with my folks, with my best friend, but I got there.

There are still a lot of stressors in my life, just as there are for anyone else. I need to get back to work full time, and it needs to happen soon. We’re coming into winter which I always find challenging. And yet this year, for the first time since I can remember, possibly the first time ever, I’m not dreading it. I’ve started a new project which has really given me a lift the last few days, and I’m genuinely excited about the opportunities it presents. I’m about to take part in an art exhibition at work, something I wouldn’t have dreamt of doing even 6 months ago. I’m starting to believe that despite all the crap, all the chaos, all the utter horribleness of the last few years, I might just be ok. That’s awesome 🙂

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