I saw Therapist today. Or at least, I shared air space with her. I knew going back today after the 5 weeks would be tough, but how I acted caught me completely off guard. I was FUMING. I could barely look at her, much less articulate what it was I was angry about. A good 20 minutes in I managed to hint at the fact that I wasn’t entirely happy about her leaving me to manage alone for 5 weeks. A few minutes after that, a brief rant about something she had said she would do, but hadn’t. Then more silence. Then a discussion about whether or not I continue (needless to say no conclusion was reached). I left, still angry, with an appointment booked for next week which may or may not be a closing session. As she said herself, if I’m going to try and take a break, now is a good time to do it. I’m stable, we’ve already had some distance so aren’t in the middle of anything, and I’ve managed the last few weeks by myself. Or, if I don’t want to finish counselling entirely, she can refer me on to someone else.
I managed to get myself to the bus before the waterworks hit. I knew it would come. I knew before I even left the room that the fallout from this session would be pretty epic, although I wasn’t prepared for quite how much. I knew how angry I would be at myself for not being able to say what was on my mind.
|This is pretty much how today’s session went|
Somewhere in the middle of the unique embarrassment that is crying alone on a bus I decided that I needed to get home and go straight back out for a run. It helped, a lot, (as did the pre run sobfest with Hubby), because as I calmed down, I managed to spot a few things. With my bpd goggles firmly in place, I had somehow managed to interpret the following:
- she left for 5 weeks – she abandoned me
- she didn’t do something she said she would – she lied, therefore can’t be trusted
- referring me on – rejection
- conclusion?? she couldn’t care less about me and just wants shut of me.