Once more I find myself in a quandary about Therapist. Once more I’m questioning whether I’m over reliant, whether knowing I have her support is actually stopping me from doing what I know I need to do to stay well, because really it’s less effort for me if I have someone else to help me do the work. I’m wondering whether I should stretch the gap between sessions, or if I should stop seeing her entirely, and either find someone else or just see how I do on my own for a change. I haven’t been managing by myself for a long time now, there’s been medication for well over a year and Therapist for longer than I care to admit to. Maybe these supports are now less crutches and more stumbling blocks?? I know it could be argued that I need the support, but my counter argument is that I’ve become so reliant on the support that I don’t actually know how to manage on my own any more. Maybe I wouldn’t manage, maybe it would be an exercise in proving myself wrong. But what if I did? What if I discovered that I’m actually ok by myself, that I can be all I need? Wouldn’t that be wonderful?? Honestly, it scares the living crap out of me to think of walking away from her support, but I really feel like I have to try. Either I’ll be ok or I won’t, but at least I’ll know.
(Expect me to do a complete 180 on this in the next 24 hours. My head is like a merry-go-round at the best of times and decisions aren’t my strong point. Especially decisions that I’ve been tossing around for the best part of a year already. But that’s where I’m at today!)