Well here’s a decision I didn’t think I’d be making this morning. I’m going back to work tomorrow. I saw Therapist this evening, and there wasn’t a whole lot either of us could say that I don’t already know. But, while we were talking about whether this current state of affairs is or isn’t sustainable, she did make one pretty smart suggestion – if I’m going to keep trying, make it finite. Set a time frame, work on it, and if things aren’t improving, reconsider my options re meds. So, that’s what I’m going to do.
This time last night I was ready to drive myself to the hospital and throw myself at their mercy. This morning wasn’t much different, and in town this afternoon I spent a solid two hours walking the streets as I was too scared to actually go into a cafe and sit by myself for half an hour. I think I was with Therapist a good twenty minutes before my heart resumed it’s normal beating pattern and stopped being audible. In light of all of that, heading back to work may not seem like the best idea, but really, what are my options?? I know if I stay at home and walk and do lots of yoga etc etc etc that I’ll be ok, but if that’s what it’s going to take long term to keep me well, then for now at least, that’s unsustainable. But there is only one way to find out.
Right now, in this moment, I feel ok. There was a fair amount of crying with Therapist, that always helps. There was an inordinate amount of chinese when I got home, which also helps. I hope I can sleep. I hope I can wake up still feeling positive. Honestly, I’m scared shitless, the last thing I want is to go in and realise yet again that I can’t cope. But I have to try, right?