First proper session with DBT Therapist this morning. We did two hours, most of which was spent on goal setting, and then we wandered into history taking territory. This evening? I’m up in a heap, I literally do not know whether I’m coming or going. I don’t know whether I want to sleep, go for a walk, watch TV, go see a friend, drink myself stupid, punch a wall or some combination of all of the above. Whatever it is, I know that I don’t want to feel feelings. They’re horrible.

Is this how it goes? Is it the emotional equivalent of finally getting to stop? You know, like at times when you’ve been really, really busy, and hanging for a break. Holidays start, two days later, you’re sick. I’ve been waiting so long, I wonder if I’m going to just spend the next few weeks feeling totally overwhelmed. Everything is still there. All the Therapist stuff, all the guilt, the uncertainty, the shame, the self doubt………..I’ve been doing a really good job of ignoring it for the past few weeks, ironically since I found out that I had a definite start date for DBT. I think I had somehow managed to convince myself that just having that support in place would be enough, that there wouldn’t be any more…………..

I’m not sure what that any more is. I’ve spent 5 minutes looking for the right word and I can’t find it. I have been managing to very successfully ignore that there was going to be work involved, and that that work would most likely be painful. I don’t even know what it is that’s bothering me right now, all I know is that the slightest thing will set me off crying (like a silly photo of my friend’s stripy socks as we continue the Saturday night ritual of being in jammies by 8pm).

I left the session today feeling completely disconnected from the world. I went for tea, got myself back together, and even managed to do the food shopping. Came home, couldn’t settle, took the kids for a spin to the lake. Came home, couldn’t settle, took the dogs for a walk. Came home, couldn’t settle, had no more excuses to leave so ended up getting more and more tightly wound until the tears came courtesy of the stripy socks. Apparently avoidance is a theme that’s coming across strongly in what we’ve talked about so far and the various questionnaires I’ve completed. Pity I don’t know what it is I’m working so hard to avoid.

I’ve no idea if this post makes sense but my head is spinning and it’s the best I can do.

 

This article has 2 Comments

  1. You have come so far, you have been anxious about today, the hype, the excitement, its been a lot to carry inside, you carried these emotions. Your bound to feel upside down, adrenaline is the brain of our lives. Your strong, obvious, this is a small annoyance on your road to a better you, keep fighting.

  2. Hey, I found your blog yesterday, and I really like it.

    Regarding this post: it does make a lot of sense. I don’t want to feel feelings, too. They’re just too hurtful, too bad, too horrible, too much. I envelop myself in emptiness, and I end up feeling worse than before.
    Also, I can understand avoidance. I’ve been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder along with BPD (this last one being my main issue). I tend to avoid everything, while at the same time wanting it desperately, longing desperately for it.

    Just stay strong. We’ll make it through the day.

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