I’m struggling the last few days, really, really struggling. Mood has been getting progressively lower, and now today I’m really tearful. It sucks. I’ve just had a good cry down the phone to Hubby, and in between sniffling managed to work out that there are probably a few factors at play. Summer is almost over. Autumn has arrived rather dramatically – it’s chilly, grey, and the evenings are noticeably shorter. I haven’t seen Therapist for 4 weeks, which is longer than I’ve managed without her (and without resorting to her emergency back up person) in almost four years. I’m hormonal as fuck. It’s a heady combination.

Today it’s mostly about the kids. I’m having to work really hard to remind myself that we’ve had a good summer. No, we didn’t go away, but we had a lot of fun at home. They have finally, finally overcome their shyness of the green outside, and are happy out playing with their little friends. But where is my thinking going today? I should be doing something nice with them. I’m neglecting them by leaving them playing outside. I’ve wasted the summer etc etc etc. At a rational level I realise the complete and utter ridiculousness of this but emotionally that’s how things are today. I cannot motivate myself. I’m looking around at the various things I could be doing, things I would normally enjoy, and I can’t get myself up to do any of them. Quite frankly, feeling like this scares the absolute shit out of me. I haven’t cried in months.

I’m apprehensive about next week – we’ll be back to a really strict timetable if this half time thing is to work. I’m a little worried about my son and how he’s going to settle back into school. I’m really, really scared of the approaching winter – the weather has such an impact on my mood.

But, next week also sees me back with Therapist. I think. I’ve an appointment made, although I’ve really been in two minds as to whether I should keep it, having gone this long without her. That said, for much of the time she was away things have been remarkably easy, so it’s been easy to be ok. I’m definitely missing the process now. I can’t make up my mind if it’s because of all of the above, or because I somehow managed to keep it together knowing she was inaccessible, but now that I know she’s back soon, I’m losing it a little. I’m not explaining this right. It’s like I managed without her because I had to, but now that I don’t, I can’t. Does that make sense?

Anyway, that’s today. I’m hoping it will pass soon. I’ve been keeping up with spinning/yoga/walking and occasional running, it’s definitely helped. I’ll try and get out again this evening. Sitting down with nothing to occupy me is definitely not a good plan.

This article has 8 Comments

  1. It's in the air.. finding it very hard to get off the couch and out of my dressing gown this week.. Going to force myself to move and get dressed and maybe sort some clothes, the kids are happy out playing, find something to distract yourself, anything xx

  2. Hormones + apprehension of change, sounds like a bad combination. Hope you get your sense of perspective back soon. Big hugs.
    Your ongoing therapist dialogue reminded me of feeding babies today (yes, I am still Queen of Tangential Thoughts). Wierd I know. Most people in my circle of friends breast fed their babies, which the health visitors advised was for the best. But this leads to a pressure to exclusively breast feed and those who end up doing some or all bottle feeding for whatever reason can feel a failure. My wise friend has been known to exclaim loudly "a bottle of formula isn't actually poison you know!".
    So, I say to you. A session with Therapist isn't actually a bad thing you know. Yes, in an ideal world, maybe you wouldn't need it. But if it helps, especially at a time of stressful changes, then it helps, and that's what's important.
    Eek, sounding horribly preachy now so I'll stop. But fingers crossed the hormones calm down soon and the rest of the holidays go by well and there's a smooth start to the new regime.

    1. That didn't sound horribly preachy, and your tangential thoughts are always spot on. Yup, I still need her. Not as much, for sure, but I still need her. Maybe I'll get to the weaning stage soon?!

  3. Your post makes perfect sense to me. I just had my counsellor come back today after not seeing her for a few weeks. Usually I see her every week. I was feeling almost tearful. But I haven't cried. I'm going through some things right now. My emotions are screwed up. Hope things get better for you soon! (Hugs)

  4. yes I can relate to the "September feeling" as I call it always a hard month to get throu.for me it was the terror of returning to school which I think has remained with me for over 40 yrs, also the guilt of the kiddie time well spent, since I have improved so has the children and they now seem a lot happier too. from your blogs you are spending a lot of quality time with your beautiful children so don't feel at all guilty well done on a lot of fronts

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