Getting any writing done at the moment is proving something of a challenge – my laptop finally gave up the ghost last week and I’ve limited web access at work. So, this is going to be written in snatches and across varying devices – forgive me if it seems disjointed!! (But, DPD just rang with some very good news – my shiny new Chromebook is waiting for me at home!)
Today I should be walking on air. It’s been a really good few days – the excitement of the conference last week, finally, finally getting some clarity at work and coming to an end of all the chopping and changing, and, the icing on the cake, finding out that I’ve made it to the finals of the Irish Blog Awards. But I made a mistake. I forgot (honestly, it wasn’t intentional) to take my medication yesterday. So instead of basking in a warm fuzzy glow of achievement, I find myself wanting to crawl under my desk at work and hide. I know I’ve said it before, but I have to say it again. It is incredible just how quickly missing even one dose can affect how I feel, and how dramatic that affect is. It’s horrible!! I’m trying to find the right words to convey how this feels – it’s like an emptiness has opened up in the very middle of me, making me feel really hollow and alone and vulnerable. Looking people in the eye is proving challenging. In work I’m sitting with my back facing into the middle of a large room, and it’s absolutely freaking me out – I don’t feel safe. I think overall it’s that I feel small. Really small, insignificant, and worthless. Ridiculous I know, but how it feels nonetheless.
But, and here’s the big one – I know the reason. And, even better, I know it will pass. This is a step forward, quite a big one. Before when I accidentally (or let’s be honest, on occasion intentionally) missed a dose and all of this started up, I would instantly assume it was the beginning of another episode. I think I could be forgiven for that assumption, given how real it feels. But this time I’m going to lay the blame squarely on chemistry, and just keep reminding myself that it will pass. It’s going to take a few days, it always does. I could get angry at myself for causing all this turmoil when it could so easily have been avoided, but that won’t help. In fact, it will make said turmoil worse because on top of all the other difficult emotions I’ll have an angry, guilt shaped stick to beat myself with and that would invite Bitchface back out of hiding. So instead, I’m going to try self compassion. I’ve already spoken to Hubby, he knows what’s going on and has been great. I know my motivation will drop a little, my perspective will get a bit skewed, sleep might go out of kilter. So I’ll go easy. I’ll do what I know will help. This for starters!! Already I’m feeling better, just for getting the chance to think it through. I’m seeing Therapist this evening, a well timed appointment. I’m aware that I may start feeling I need her support more again, and how difficult I find that. So be it. I’m going to try, really, really, try, to just acknowledge all of these feelings, recognise them for what they are, breathe, and keep going.
I’ve come a long way this last 6 months. This week in particular with so much going on feels like a watershed, a new beginning. I’m not going to let one small capsule of chemicals damage that for me. It’s an unfortunate minor glitch, but nothing more. Onwards and upwards!!