Some of you may have noticed that I put a post up last night, and then a couple of hours later deleted it. I haven’t done that before, and I won’t do it again. I was incredibly frustrated with what I wrote, or more to the point, what I didn’t, because I couldn’t find the words to adequately express myself. Bitchface was firmly in the driving seat last night, and she decided I was wallowing and looking for attention, so the post had to go. Maybe I was. But this blog is about my journey with depression, and everything that goes with it. Unfortunately, on occasion, that will include wallowing. There wasn’t much to the post, it was only three or four lines long. I included a link to a fantastic piece about the nothing aspect of depression, because the writer there expresses if far more succinctly than I was able to manage. That’s where I was yesterday. The nothing. It’s almost as hard to handle as the overwhelming emotion, because I don’t have any idea how I am. This image is perfect, and I found myself doing it yesterday, with Hubby and with close friends.

Thank you hyperbole and a half!
This part is unnerving. I think on the whole I’d rather the overwhelming emotion, because at least then I’m feeling something. I had months of nothing this year, and it truly is horrible. I think Bitchface popped out yesterday evening because falling into nothing again is really, really scary and I do not want to go there.
Not surprisingly, I couldn’t sleep last night. I came to bed, tossed and turned for a while then got up and watched tv till 2am. Not the best plan but I had to stop the cycle of thought that was going through my head, and clearly getting to sleep wasn’t an option. When Bitchface comes along to kick me out of wallowing, I think the intention is good, but the method is so bad. Last night, she told me a lot of things – 
  • I don’t have depression
  • I don’t need Therapist, in fact, I’m incredibly pissed off with her for daring to take time off when I really needed her
  • I’m not going to bother going to my appointment tomorrow – that’ll show her
  • Hubby is an ass, it’s all his fault I’m taking medication again
  • I should have stuck it out without meds for a few more days
  • etc etc etc etc……………….all total and utter SHITE
This morning, I saw things differently. Maybe the bollocking Bitchface gave me worked, albeit in a very roundabout way. But today, I woke up determined that I would have a good day. I know there’s going to be a settling phase now, and I know 10% of that phase is out of my control. But 90% is still me. I really, really don’t want to give in. Conor Cusack recently wrote about how depression is his friend, which is something I’ve touched on in the past. It’s a strange way to view it, there’s no getting away from that, and it’s a friend I’d rather not have. But I do. I just have to keep remembering that when it arrives, it’s there to tell me something, although the message may be in encoded in anger and negativity. The message this time? Too soon to stop medication. Thankfully, I was able to translate.  

This article has 6 Comments

  1. Fi, you are doing for Depression what photographers like Tim Page did for the Vietnam War – recording it and bringing the awfulness, the beauty, the horror and the humanity home to those of us who far from the front line. Great work!

  2. Fiona, I'm so glad you re-posted as I think this documentation of your journey with all its faces is extremely important as it raises awareness of what depression can involve. Keep up the good work and I hope that the sun will soon be shining again.

    1. Thanks Jean. It's frustrating me at the moment that so much of what I'm writing is dark and confused, but I guess like you said, this is what depression can, and for me right now unfortunately does, involve. I know the sun will come back.

  3. Fully agree with above, although it may be painfull to read back later yourself, it's so recognisable and therefore a great comfort for others. You live and you learn as they say and you've learned so much from this experience, makes it almost worth it 🙁
    Hope the new meds kick in soon.

    Annemiek

    1. I think ultimately it will be worth it, because every time I slip I learn a little bit more, and I find a bit more control. It's just so hard sometimes. Meds kicking in but so far only side effects – nasty headaches. Hopefully the good effects will come soon x

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