I posted this on facebook this morning – ‘I feel guilty from the tips of my hair to my toenails and everything in between. Why? Because I gave out to my kids for having pretty much everything they own scattered through the downstairs of my house, asked them to help me put it away and then had the audacity to sweep a carpet of dog hair off the floor. Why all this guilt? Because somewhere along the line I picked up the message that cleaning house = neglecting children and by not spending all my time actively interacting with them I’m a failure as a mother’. Unfortunately, that is the merest tip of the iceberg in terms of what I’m feeling right now.

I am ready to give up. 110% ready. The anger, the guilt, the phenomenally quick emotional changes – I cannot keep up anymore. I don’t want one more person to tell me they believe in me, or that they know I can do, or that I just need to forgive myself and move on. I appreciate the sentiment, I really do. And I know all that. But, and here’s the clanger – I cannot do it. End of. I just can’t. It’s compounding an already overwhelming sense of failure. I am exhausted. I don’t want to shout at my kids any more. I don’t want to believe that Hubby is the root cause of all of this and act accordingly. I don’t want to shout at myself any more. I don’t want to hurt myself any more. It is too hard and it’s wearing me down. For the last two days I’ve had to resort to the emergency calming drugs that I swore I’d never touch again because the level of emotion swirling around me is too strong.

I haven’t actually smashed a painting over his head but I’m an utter nightmare to live with right now, I’m so completely unpredictable

Is this depression? Is it just me? I have no clue, and no idea how to figure that out. Maybe I’m just a really, really angry person. But the anger went away while I was on medication. The lows didn’t, but the anger did. I’m due to see Therapist in the morning, and will be checking in with my GP afterwards, because this simply cannot continue. I’m destroying myself, and feel almost powerless to stop it. I’ve tried, my god have I tried. But I need hours upon hours completely alone every day in order to get a handle on this. I can’t have that. I have kids, Hubby, a full time job – in short real life. I have a piece on thejournal.ie today, based on my traffic lights post. I’m bright flaming red, there’s no escaping it. All the signs are there. If I knew someone else was in the same position, what would I be saying to them? Get help. Get help now. Well right now this minute isn’t going to work out as it’s Paddy’s day and most of the country is pissed, but tomorrow I can do something. Tomorrow I have to do something. I agreed with Therapist last week that I would put a deadline on this experiment, and in theory that deadline is next Friday. Caveat? If things get unbearable the deadline is null and void. Well, things are officially unbearable. I want my life back. I want to stop not just hating, but actively despising myself. I want to be able to speak to myself the way I can speak to others I know are struggling. As it is, I would quite possibly be arrested if I treated someone the way I’m currently treating myself.

So, here’s the new plan. Get through today, by whatever means possible. See Therapist in the morning. See my GP after. And then change something. Change anything. But this has to stop.

This article has 4 Comments

  1. I prayed you would come to this decision. I really believe the meds allow youbto be more like yhe real you than the person who rears their ugly head. Whem med free….it is nit a failure but a success in realising what works for you…well done and enjoy the calm which will soon come x

  2. You have to do what is best for you (and your family) and you and hubby and therapist and gp are the people who know what that is, so listen to yourself and them and not the rest of us.

    What you said reminded me of all the well meaning claptrap around childbirth, where the wish to be informed and know what you can do to try and minimize interventions somehow ends up with people who've had pain relief and interventions feeling liked they've failed (a feeling that is not always helped by the insensitive way that those who "succeeded"in sticking to their birth plans talk to them) – a massive dose of mother guilt to start of life with a newborn – the last thing anyone needs. No two people are in the same situation and you can't make comparisons . But we're all lucky in the modern western world that we have access to medical help if we need it.

    I don't have a cast on my leg because it isn't broken, not because I'm "better at coping" than someone with a broken leg. And I don't take the asthma medicine that my husband takes because I don't have asthma, not because he's weak willed.

    I can only guess how frustrating for you it must be that this meds free trial hasn't worked, not least because of all your struggles to find the right meds for you, those magic ones that do the job and don't have the side effects. Admitting it isn't working and trying again isn't failure. Managing a whole 5 weeks despite the fact it isn't working and not ending up in hospital despite all those red warning boxes being ticked is a huge success and testament to all the stuff you have been doing to manage your condition (the yoga and the exercise and the talking and the blogging).

    Good luck with the next part of your journey with nutjob flu, I hope its an easier one for you.

  3. I hope the therapist visit will take the edge off a bit. Over the past few weeks I have fallen back into some old behaviours that I thought I had a handle of after recently spending some time in a mental health programme. Reading about your traffic light system today reminded me that I have to do some work to try and soothe my psyche. But first I have to forgive myself for sleeping in… again! Thanks for having the courage and taking the time to write here.

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