Today is my one year anniversary of managing not to kill myself. I’ve had so much running around my head about this the last few days, I’m not sure where to begin. Something that has occurred to me only in the last few hours is that I never really talked about it. I barely discussed it with Therapist as it was the catalyst that brought us to the decision to finish. I don’t even know what her reaction was, because I told her via voicemail. The day I left the hospital (mere hours after taking an overdose) I rang her to try and get an appointment, because I wasn’t due to see her that week. She didn’t answer, I left a voicemail telling her what I had done, and by the time I got to see her again I was so ashamed about the whole thing that we just didn’t really go there. The focus had moved on to the fact that I needed more help than she could give.
And otherwise? It’s not the kind of conversation we tend to have over a cuppa. I’m not sure I actively avoided it, but I didn’t go out of my way to talk about it either. To be honest, I’m not sure the enormity of what could have been even registered with me until yesterday. One of my neighbours died over the weekend, and she was brought home last night. I watched the hearse pull up outside her house, the coffin being carried in, the neighbours standing around watching, and it hit me how easily that scene could have taken place outside my house last year. Myself and Hubby had a long, emotional conversation about it last night. I don’t think either of us have been able to fully acknowledge it until now.
I went into my Suicide or Survive group this morning unaware that today’s topic was suicide, but the timing could not have been better. We talked about what it is that leads us to consider suicide as a valid option, about what helps when those thoughts land, and what we can do on a daily basis to manage ourselves so that when the thoughts do land, we’re already equipped with how to handle them. It was a really interesting, engaging, honest and raw conversation. We’re all there for the same reason, so we were all talking about it. Not in detail, not about specifics, but it really highlighted for me how quickly I glossed over it last year.
I’m not going to dwell on it because I don’t need to dwell on it. What I can see looking back is that despite how absolutely horrible it was for all of us, it needed to happen. I needed to move on from Therapist 1.0, but I couldn’t face up to it. Doing what I did took the decision firmly out of my hands, and however hard that’s been, it was without doubt for the best.