Today is my one year anniversary of managing not to kill myself. I’ve had so much running around my head about this the last few days, I’m not sure where to begin. Something that has occurred to me only in the last few hours is that I never really talked about it. I barely discussed it with Therapist as it was the catalyst that brought us to the decision to finish. I don’t even know what her reaction was, because I told her via voicemail. The day I left the hospital (mere hours after taking an overdose) I rang her to try and get an appointment, because I wasn’t due to see her that week. She didn’t answer, I left a voicemail telling her what I had done, and by the time I got to see her again I was so ashamed about the whole thing that we just didn’t really go there. The focus had moved on to the fact that I needed more help than she could give.

And otherwise? It’s not the kind of conversation we tend to have over a cuppa. I’m not sure I actively avoided it, but I didn’t go out of my way to talk about it either. To be honest, I’m not sure the enormity of what could have been even registered with me until yesterday. One of my neighbours died over the weekend, and she was brought home last night. I watched the hearse pull up outside her house, the coffin being carried in, the neighbours standing around watching, and it hit me how easily that scene could have taken place outside my house last year. Myself and Hubby had a long, emotional conversation about it last night. I don’t think either of us have been able to fully acknowledge it until now.

I went into my Suicide or Survive group this morning unaware that today’s topic was suicide, but the timing could not have been better. We talked about what it is that leads us to consider suicide as a valid option, about what helps when those thoughts land, and what we can do on a daily basis to manage ourselves so that when the thoughts do land, we’re already equipped with how to handle them. It was a really interesting, engaging, honest and raw conversation. We’re all there for the same reason, so we were all talking about it. Not in detail, not about specifics, but it really highlighted for me how quickly I glossed over it last year.

I’m not going to dwell on it because I don’t need to dwell on it. What I can see looking back is that despite how absolutely horrible it was for all of us, it needed to happen. I needed to move on from Therapist 1.0, but I couldn’t face up to it. Doing what I did took the decision firmly out of my hands, and however hard that’s been, it was without doubt for the best.

This article has 3 Comments

  1. You write so candidly and courageously..I truly believe everything happens for a reason, and signs really seem to be being sent your way! It’s so amazing hearing you radiate positivity about your new therapist, it sounds as though the stormy seas might be starting to settle down a bit! I’m sorry you’ve had to negotiate your way through such turbulent terrain, but I’m pleased you are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel! The wilderness is waiting to welcome you with wide open arms.. Take good care of yourself! X

  2. Amazing woman. Brave,honest and raw. If everyone could talk so frankly about their lives affected by mental illness it would remove the taboo and stop us from feeling like freaks and failures.

  3. Thank you for sharing and its good to here you are fighting the good fight. Your message(s) offer insight and hope. My beautiful wife of 24 years suffers from BPD. She refuses to see a specialist and as the reality of becoming empty nesters approaches (August) – her episodes have escalated. She was my Cinderella and my heart breaks for her agony, our marriage and the broken man I have become. I fought hard for our marriage yet it’s almost to the end. What was once a marriage that rivaled that of fairytales – has become a nightmare. In closing, there is quote I once read ” At the end of the day, all you need is hope and strength. Hope that it will get better and strength to hold on until it does”. This is my prayer for you. All the best.

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