It never ceases to amaze me the power that one single, well placed question can have. I’m just back from seeing my psychiatrist, and am so, so relieved to have seen her personally. Since realising a few months back that I can actually trust her, that she really does know what she’s talking about, it’s been much, much easier to talk to her and I really do feel she understands what’s going on for me. On the medication front, there will be a slight change – the mood stabiliser is to be increased to see if that has any impact on keeping me on a more even keel. On the emotional side of things? Well that’s where the well placed question came in.
I was telling her how things have been, all the ups and downs, the difficulty I have around missing Therapist when I’m low. Or, more specifically, the difficulty I have with missing how Therapist was with me, which is an important distinction to make. It came about because she suggested I role play how Therapist would respond to a particular situation, and it occurred to me it’s not so much what she said as how she said it, and the kindness, empathy and understanding that was ever present with her. I’m not sure I’ve ever articulated that specifically with my psychiatrist before but I think it was a bit of a light bulb moment for us both, because it broke right through my defences and brought on really intense emotion. It comes back to that old core bpd issue of attachment, I absolutely crave that kindness, particularly when I’m feeling vulnerable. She couldn’t offer any wisdom on how to manage it or what I need to do, but assured me that she’d speak to the psychologist before I see her next, which is in about two weeks time, with a view to helping me figure out how to manage that need.
She also said I need to give myself more credit. It’s almost two full months since I officially finished therapy, but really over 3 months now since I had an actual therapeutic session. While it’s been really, really hard at times, I’ve gotten myself through it. She wants me to acknowledge that.
The last week or two has been particularly tough going, but I think I’m on my way out the other side again. I’m definitely better than I was a couple of days ago. I’ve no idea how long this reprieve will last, or when I’ll be blindsided again, but I’m going to enjoy it while I have it. I felt so hopeless on Tuesday it scared the absolute shit out of me, but yesterday, and again today after speaking with my psychiatrist, I can see possibilities starting to re-emerge. Certain circumstances are still very much out of my control, but it’s not taking me over today like it did earlier in the week. I’m going to go ahead and give myself credit for that.