I just spent ages writing a very lengthy post which I now think won’t ever reach the blog. I didn’t want to be negative today, but that’s how it turned out, and reading it was too much even for me so I’m not going to inflict it on you!
Here’s the potted version – I’m not ok right now. My head isn’t a particularly pleasant place to be, it’s noisy, critical and distracted. That’s impacting on me physically – my stomach is churning and I’m not breathing right. All told, pretty unpleasant. I want to run away from it, I want to distract myself out of it. But I can’t, and maybe, just maybe, this is a blessing in disguise. I spent the weekend busying myself out of my head, but the end result was that I just got tired, flustered and emotional, and all the bad feeling was there waiting for me when I stopped. Right now, I’m at work (in body at least) but it’s my last few days here and there isn’t a whole lot for me to do. So I’m forced to sit still, and listen, and be aware of where I’m at. I know I’m resisting it with every fibre of my being. But I have to acknowledge it. Acknowledging it will (I hope) allow me to at least accept that today, I’m not feeling great. But that doesn’t mean it’s the start of a slide and it doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. It means some days I have to work harder than others to be ok, and today is just one of those days. It will pass.