Today I’m mostly about feelings. Way too many feelings, and none particularly pleasant. The overriding one at the moment is a mild to moderate state of panic coupled with fairly extreme anxiety because I’m not seeing Therapist this week, I cancelled the appointment because it clashed with the psychologist yesterday. She promised she’d contact me if she got a cancellation but so far nothing doing. There’s nothing astounding or ground breaking that I need to talk to her about, and certainly nothing that we haven’t talked about before. But in not seeing her this week, it’s like I’ve had a security blanket taken away. What’s even more ridiculous about all of this, is that I’m finding sessions really challenging at the moment – I spend much of my time desperate to talk to her, but when I’m finally sitting in front of her I get overwhelmingly self conscious about how much I’ve wanted to talk to her, so I clam up, say nothing, and then feel awkward about saying nothing. For the love of god!!!! Does anyone else do this??? Even as I write it it seems completely cracked, but at the same time I’ve a knot of anxiety in my stomach that I know 110% is because I won’t see her till next week. I’ve even managed to convince myself that she’s deliberately not letting me know about at least 5 cancellations because she needs a break from working with me and this is an easy way to do it, so on top of all the anxiety and panic there’s a hefty dose of rejection. Seriously. This is actually how my head works.

I would LOVE to hang out in that cafe some time. Image credit: Dave Walker

So, I’m going to try and remind myself of a few things. I’ve gotten through an absolutely hellish couple of months reasonably intact. It’s not ideal that I’m not seeing her this week, but the world won’t come to an end. If she didn’t want to/couldn’t work with me any more, she would tell me. I don’t want to believe this right now, it’s much easier to think really badly of myself, but she’s nothing if not honest, so I have to trust that.

My thought process is utterly messed up right now. Decisions are most definitely not my forte and my perspective is shot to bits. I just need to keep reminding myself to breathe, and stay in the moment. Please, please stay in the moment. Anywhere else is just way too scary.

This article has 1 Comment

  1. blimey, just caught up on a few posts and your week sounds pretty hard going. I mean, the hospital finally listening and starting to do things sounds good but the other stuff sounds utterly rubbish.
    And what dreadful timing of your apointment that you had to cancel therapist. Of course that's stressful, she's the one external source of help you appear to have had for ages. (I'm not counting friends and family as external as they're part of your day to day life, if that makes any sense). It seems to me that would put a lot of pressure on those sessions, especially with things as tough as they are at the moment. I wonder if there is some way of taking the pressure off, maybe writing down what you want to say in between sessions or having an imaginery conversation with her when you're on a walk. Then again, that might not be good considering that your seeming need to keep your brain distracted at all times. It sounds a bit like having to be in a room with a dangerous immovable thing and a toddler that you're constantly trying to distract from poking the dangerous thing that they are drawn to. Except in your head. You must be exhausted. Fingers crossed the painting helps.

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