Today I’m mostly about feelings. Way too many feelings, and none particularly pleasant. The overriding one at the moment is a mild to moderate state of panic coupled with fairly extreme anxiety because I’m not seeing Therapist this week, I cancelled the appointment because it clashed with the psychologist yesterday. She promised she’d contact me if she got a cancellation but so far nothing doing. There’s nothing astounding or ground breaking that I need to talk to her about, and certainly nothing that we haven’t talked about before. But in not seeing her this week, it’s like I’ve had a security blanket taken away. What’s even more ridiculous about all of this, is that I’m finding sessions really challenging at the moment – I spend much of my time desperate to talk to her, but when I’m finally sitting in front of her I get overwhelmingly self conscious about how much I’ve wanted to talk to her, so I clam up, say nothing, and then feel awkward about saying nothing. For the love of god!!!! Does anyone else do this??? Even as I write it it seems completely cracked, but at the same time I’ve a knot of anxiety in my stomach that I know 110% is because I won’t see her till next week. I’ve even managed to convince myself that she’s deliberately not letting me know about at least 5 cancellations because she needs a break from working with me and this is an easy way to do it, so on top of all the anxiety and panic there’s a hefty dose of rejection. Seriously. This is actually how my head works.
|I would LOVE to hang out in that cafe some time. Image credit: Dave Walker|
So, I’m going to try and remind myself of a few things. I’ve gotten through an absolutely hellish couple of months reasonably intact. It’s not ideal that I’m not seeing her this week, but the world won’t come to an end. If she didn’t want to/couldn’t work with me any more, she would tell me. I don’t want to believe this right now, it’s much easier to think really badly of myself, but she’s nothing if not honest, so I have to trust that.
My thought process is utterly messed up right now. Decisions are most definitely not my forte and my perspective is shot to bits. I just need to keep reminding myself to breathe, and stay in the moment. Please, please stay in the moment. Anywhere else is just way too scary.