Tonight I don’t care whether it’s called borderline personality disorder, emotionally unstable personality disorder, depression, or any other name you’d care to give it, because regardless of the name, the end result is the same. Tonight, I feel like utter crap, and I have done for most of the day. I could write about what I think has contributed to feeling like this, tease it out, analyse it, but to be honest, they’re such minor little happenings that they don’t warrant the time and I don’t think it will serve any purpose.
Here’s the thing. I know, I know that my reaction is disproportionate. I’m feeling overwhelmingly guilty about something that shouldn’t even be an issue. But recognising this isn’t enough. It doesn’t change the feeling. Ok, I get that it will pass, and that maybe it’s the bright light of disordered thinking, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I feel horrible. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I’m convinced people are humouring me rather than actually wanting to spend time with me and I desperately want to speak to Therapist. I don’t want to walk, or run, or do yoga, I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and stay there. Tonight, that bothers me, a lot. I think I had (somewhat naively) hoped that once I got medication sorted and got myself on more stable ground that everything would be fine. History should have taught me otherwise. Maybe this is what Therapist has been trying to get me to realise – she keeps talking about whatever I’ve got (I know, back to that, gesturing off to the side again) as being cruel and notoriously difficult to treat, that I don’t have a filter for emotion. I thought she was exaggerating. Or did I want to believe she was exaggerating?
Fuck it, I can’t even work out what it is I want to say. I was thinking about it earlier and it made sense, but now not so much. I guess when I thought this was just depression – ha, just depression!! As if it was ever that simple! – that once we hit on the right combination of medication everything else would just fall into place. But it’s not going to be that easy. All this time I thought I was trying to manage depression, I was actually trying to manage depression AND a big pile of something else. Ok, so now I know about the big pile of something else, I guess it’s a step in the right direction. But tonight, all I can see is just how long and steep the climb is going to be to get to grips with this. This horrible feeling that I have tonight – it will go away. But then it’ll come back. And go away again. And come back. Over and over and over. I used to worry that this mood coming back was the start of a relapse into depression. But it’s not. This horrible cycling is part of the something else, something on-going. That is such an incredibly exhausting prospect. I don’t like feeling awkward with my friends. I don’t like having to make excuses for why I’m not chatty or don’t want to meet. I don’t like feeling so ridiculously needy of Therapist. I understand the why of all of this, or at least I’m starting to. But I just don’t like it, and I don’t want to have to live with it. I don’t want to have to check all of my reactions as they happen to make sure they make sense. I don’t want to have to keep second guessing my thought processes. But what choice do I have?
My DBT group starts next week. I really, really hope that something will come of it that helps with all of this, because right now my mind feels like it’s scattered in a thousand different directions, and that’s just no fun at all.