A strange thing happened today. I wrote earlier that my morning didn’t go exactly as planned, but it picked up after I had done some writing, and even more so after some serious fort building with the kids.

I’m pretty sure both of them are in the tunnel in this pic

My folks were on route, and you know how I love any excuse for cake, so there was baking. Mam and Dad arrived, everything was fine. Hubby headed out to the gym for a while. Still fine. But gradually, things became less fine. I was aware that I was getting progressively more impatient with the kids, and easily irritated. Then came the clanger. I had arranged to head out to meet a couple of friends this afternoon. But when I got there, our chosen venue was pretty busy with an event that was going on locally. And I panicked. I mean, properly panicked. Poor S didn’t know what was going on, one minute we were on our way to the door, the next I turned on my heel and told her I had to go home. I don’t know what happened, I really don’t. I just couldn’t go in. I don’t know if it was the general busyness, or the fact that there were people in the group I didn’t know. Maybe neither of those things. But for whatever reason, it just wasn’t happening. This used to be really normal for me, but not of late, I’ve gotten so much better around social situations and for the most part my form is much improved. And anyway, some good friends were there!!! But I just couldn’t do it, so I came home. 

I was so mad at myself, really, properly mad. Poor Hubby arrived home on a wave of endorphins but my mood burst that bubble fairly sharpish (sorry Hubby). So I decided to go back down. I mobilised some support in the form of my parents, and escape route in the form of my kids, and off we went. I was really apprehensive going in, but I went all the same. A few girls I know were there with a larger group that I don’t know. I made a beeline for S (who I had abandoned at speed an hour previously) and immediately realised that it was ok. She understood. A hug. We laughed about it. I still wasn’t feeling great so I retreated to a safe distance with the kids. Another friend came over, who knew that I had legged it. Another hug, we laughed again. It became more ok. 
I’m home now, Mam and Dad have headed home and the kids are messing around downstairs with Hubby. All in all, it’s been a very strange afternoon, one which caught me completely off my guard. Hubby reckons I’m tired. It’s a distinct possibility as I tend not to notice until I hit the point of falling over by which time I’ve wandered into dangerous territory. So for the rest of this evening and tomorrow I’m going to make a considered effort to slow down. I might be falling into the old trap of constant going again, and that never ends well. 
But, there’s a big positive out of all this. I freaked out, and I didn’t hide it. I have really lovely friends who just understood and didn’t make a big deal of it. Lovely friends, if you’re reading this, thank you so much. Being able to tell you when things are tough, and then being able to talk and laugh about it, while not hiding that I’m still not great, makes it so much easier to get back to ok again. Tomorrow is another day.

This article has 4 Comments

  1. thats the bitch about 'panic' it gets you when least expected. need to know did you feel anything prior to arriving at the venue? I totally understand so good for you for going back, big big hug from me x

  2. Well done for going back!!! As a horserider it remind me of the feeling after having been thrown off: facing the fear and having to get back on that same horse. Not easy!

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